To the girl who feels ashamed…

I’ve been there too. Hiding behind a mask that covered the guilt, shame, and regret from my mistakes. Wearing a façade that painted a joyful, vivacious outside while I was completely falling apart on the inside. I did it because I was embarrassed and ashamed, but also because it was what was expected of me.

Lindsay? The loud, bubbly girl? The one who is always happy and smiling and laughing? There was no room for that girl to fall apart and let her guard down. That would mean my reputation would be destroyed. People would see me differently. I would be judged. And I wasn’t willing to let any of that happen.

So, I hid. From just about everyone in my life, I hid. I made sure that no one knew about my mistakes and shame, and I did it well. But I also drove myself to loneliness, isolation, lies, lost identity, and so much more. In trying to protect myself, I lost myself. I put on my mask and pretended everything was okay, but when one small thing fell out of place, my whole world would shake, and I would nearly crumble. While my life looked put together on the outside, I was rotting away on the inside.

Maybe you’ve been there, too. So consumed with shame to the point that you feel actually, physically sick. Like if anyone were to find out what you’ve done, it would destroy you. It would ruin your reputation, destroy your friendships, and break your family into a million little bits. After all, you were probably the good girl who never did anything wrong. How could you possibly have let this happen to you?

You’re not alone. I’ve been there, too, sweet friend. Too many times to count.

I feel so deeply for you, writing this with tears in my eyes because I remember how the shame wrecked me for years. Putting on that mask every morning and never revealing the hurt and pain I was feeling to anyone. I felt alone, dirty, and unworthy. I felt like a waste.

But that feeling of shame is what was really a waste.

Friend, hear me when I say this. Your shame is not from God. I remember the first time anyone told me that, it struck me to my core. Your shame is NOT from God. It is not beneficial, at all, ever. Maybe it makes us feel like we’re “getting what we deserve” for making a mistake, but really, it’s just a foothold that Satan takes in your life to make you feel worthless, and it works. The thing about Satan is that when he finds a way to grip your life, he uses that same thing over and over.

Once you allow shame into your life, you have opened the doorway for Satan to bring in loneliness, isolation, and a lost identity.

But you have the power to break out of the shame and regret, and step back into the life you were created for.

When we read in the Bible about Jesus’ encounters with sinners, he NEVER puts shame on them. Think about the adulteress woman in John 8:1-11. The men of the law bring her before Jesus as he is teaching in a crowded temple after catching her in the act of adultery.

Can you imagine how she must’ve been feeling? How low she was hanging her head? She was probably still naked, having just been pulled from the bed of her lover. She probably couldn’t even bear to look up at Jesus as countless people stared. The shame flooding her entire body, creating a knot in her stomach, tears of guilt streaming down her face as she tried to cover herself.

The Pharisees say to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” Jesus responds to the men, saying that whoever is without sin should throw the first stone, then stoops down and writes in the sand. One by one, the men walk away until it is just the woman and Jesus.

He asks her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

I wonder if this is the first time she actually opens her eyes and looks up, finding that every single one of them left.

She replies, “No one, Lord.”

Jesus tells her, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on do not sin anymore.”

Gosh, I love this story. I love it because I see myself in that woman. I see what used to be my biggest fear—being exposed—unraveling. Maybe you do too. But the thing I love most about it is that it doesn’t go the way I always imagined. It doesn’t have the embarrassment, shame, regret, and destruction that I always feared. Here’s what it actually shows:

1. We are not alone in our sin and shame

It is suggested that when Jesus stooped down and was writing in the sand, he was writing the names of the woman’s accusers along with their sins. Each of these men also had secrets and hidden sins, and upon seeing theirs written in the sand, they walked away.

Thinking back on the instances that I have been bold (yes, so very bold) and have opened up to someone about my shame or sins, their response has not been pointed fingers and crude remarks, but more often than not, open arms and a whispered: “me too….”

Shame is intensified when we are isolated. You might feel like you are the only one who could screw up so badly or so many times but girl, I guarantee you’re not the first and you won’t be the last. Maybe your shame comes from a past or current relationship and letting things go too far. Maybe it’s coming from when you were partying and drinking too much. Maybe it’s because someone has put unattainable expectations on you and you’re ashamed of not measuring up to them. Maybe you did something you said you would never, ever do. Whatever it may be, I guarantee you’re not alone. A lot of us women struggle with the exact same things and the sooner we open up about it, the sooner we can walk away from it.

2. Exposure takes away shame’s power

Chances are, this probably wasn’t this woman’s first time with another man. She had probably been caught up in adultery for a while. Years, maybe. I’m sure that the shame had taken a grip on her life. That she was afraid of getting caught, especially since the sentence for her sin was not mere embarrassment, but the threat of being stoned to death, naked in front of everyone she knew.

In the end, though, she walked away knowing that the secret was out, and she no longer had to hide. Can you put yourself in her shoes as she walked away and imagine the feeling of not having to worry anymore? Knowing that your worst fear is gone and that you can finally feel secure again?

When you bring your sins into the light, there is no longer a reason to hide in darkness. Now, I’m not saying you should shout it from the rooftops and post it on your Instagram. There are still mean people in the world who will turn it against you if they get the chance. What I am saying, though, is that you need to find your people. Your safety net. A few of your closest friends or family that you can confide in and share it with them. There is so much power to be found when you are not hidden and alone. In being able to say out loud what you have done and deny the shame that you have been feeling. To have a safe place to take off the mask and be honest.

I know the idea of this probably feels gut-wrenching and impossible, but I am praying that you will be brave and bold and do the impossible. I truly believe that opening up is essential to overcoming shame because it revokes Satan of his stronghold in your life and gives you back your security.

3. Even “good girls” make mistakes

The woman calls Jesus “Lord.” Not “Teacher”, like the men do, but “Lord.” She knew who He was. She knew what she was doing was sinful and wrong. She was not oblivious to the law or the expectations of how she should live. Yet, she still got caught up in a life of sin and shame.

It always made me feel worse that I was a “good Christian girl” and I should’ve known better. I did know better, I just let sin get the best of me. Just because you’re a Christian doesn’t mean you’re immune to temptation. Yes, you will always have a way out of it, and it will never be more than you can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13), but you are still human, and you will still mess up. The truth about being a Christian is that you will get hit with temptations even harder because Satan will use whatever he can to shake your relationship with God. The woman in the story was a good girl, too, and Jesus extended her grace and forgiveness. Give yourself some grace, as well.

4. God doesn’t leave you

Despite the fact that this woman sinned, and her secrets were exposed, she is left standing there with Jesus standing beside her. He doesn’t turn his back on her or reprimand her for her mistakes. She doesn’t get a lecture. She is simply forgiven and given a second chance to walk away from her former life and step into God’s plan for her.

He’s not afraid of your mess. He’s not an angry God who wants you to sit and suffer because you made a mistake. Friend, he loves you. He created you. He is on your side, cheering you on in this life. Don’t you think He’s more than ready for you to be free of your shame and walk out confidently on the other side of this?

5. What about the next girl?

This story doesn’t go on to tell us what happened to the woman after her experience with Jesus, but in the Bible, whenever people had a real encounter with Jesus, they always left changed. I’d like to think this woman listened to the words of Jesus and walked away from her life of sin and that she passed on that forgiveness and grace to the people around her. That she helped the other women who were lost in sin to turn away from it.

We have such a beautiful opportunity to turn our pain, mistakes, and regrets into something meaningful by helping and supporting those who are walking through what we’ve already been through. This is what it means when Romans 8:28 (TPT) says that “…every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose.” Even the bad, ugly, and hard things can be used for God’s glory and His purpose.

You can choose to turn your pain into your purpose by helping other girls through the struggles you have faced. Revelation 12:11 says that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. It’s time to share your story. To reject the shame and isolation and allow the pain you’ve gone through to be used to help the next girl.

So be bold, my friend. Be so very bold and take off the mask. Share your story. Encourage the next girl, and I promise that the pain you have been feeling will not be without an incredible purpose.

Xoxo,

Lindsay

Looking for more? Check out the latest blog posts below!

• How to Read the Bible and Actually Understand It
• How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Five: Gratitude
• How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Four: Community Support
• How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Three: Service
• How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Two: Scripture