Lindsay Mercado No Comments

The best advice I could possibly give for your future marriage is this: learn to fight really well. 

When my husband and I were dating, we learned very quickly that we fight differently. When something would come up and we’d get into a fight, I wanted to talk about things immediately. The longer I waited, the more upset I got. Raul, however, was the opposite. He needed some time and space before he was ready to talk things through. This was a huge challenge for us, but over time, we’ve learned how to fight really well. This lesson started when we were dating and has been so essential to the entirety of our marriage.

You are bound to fight in a marriage, like in any other relationship, because you’re both human. Maybe it’ll be rare, or maybe it’ll be more frequent in different seasons of life, but it is inevitable that you will have disputes in a marriage. What you can do is learn to fight really well now so that when you do, it is beneficial and not destructive. I truly believe that this starts when you are dating. 

I’ve heard it said before and experienced it in my own life that the problems in your relationship only get bigger when you get married. If you fight about money now, it will only be a bigger issue when you’re married. Same for how you spend your time, who you hang out with, how you feel about each other’s family, and so on. 

If you learn to fight well now, it will carry into your marriage. I can honestly say that I don’t mind fighting with my husband because we have learned to fight in a way that is healthy and helpful.

In marriage, the purpose of a fight should always be understanding and reconciliation. You are on the same team, fighting for each other, a better marriage, and an incredible life together. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 is the well-known love passage that is often read at weddings, so you’re probably familiar with it. It says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

This is a beautiful depiction of love in an ideal state, and while it may not always look like this, it is what we should strive for. I absolutely believe that love is a choice and when you marry someone, you choose to be committed to loving them for the rest of your lives. A huge part of that commitment is showing up loving to a fight. We must choose to display the attributes of love when we fight if we want to fight well. 

How to fight with love

Love is patient: Listen really well and give plenty of space for the conversation. Do not rush into it with your agenda of blame and accusation or try to end it in five minutes. Leave time to thoughtfully respond, breathe, and work through the problem. Show love through patience, slowness, and intentional listening.

Love is kind: Be truthful and say what you mean (not what you know will hurt them). The goal is reconciliation, not to be right or to win, but to come together. In the end, you want to know that the fight was worth it because you have increased understanding from it. In a marriage, one person does not win. You either win together or you lose together. You can feel hurt, angry, or disappointed and still be kind. 

Love does not envy or boast: Don’t bring up your past relationships, an unrealistic idea of a relationship, or other people’s relationships and compare it to this one. Saying your best friend never fights about this with her boyfriend is not helpful. Every relationship has its own unique challenges and playing the comparison game doesn’t work. Focus on this relationship, not on everyone else’s. 

Love is not proud: You’re human and you won’t always be right. Hurt people hurt people, which means that you both probably said or did things they shouldn’t have in a moment of misunderstanding or upset. Be humble and own your part in the problem. This doesn’t mean you take the blame for everything or that you’re always apologizing. It simply means that you know you mess up too and you apologize when you do.

Love does not dishonor others: Point out the problem, don’t attack the person. Wives are called to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). Don’t yell at him. Don’t throw him under the bus in front of other people or try to get friends on your side in a fight. Instead, honor and respect him, choosing a time and place for a fruitful conversation rather than a loud, zealous fight. 

Love is not self-seeking: Do not fight out of selfish desires, but to better the relationship. This does not mean ignoring your needs and never bringing up the things that aren’t working. It means looking outward, towards the other person and the relationship as a whole, rather than only inward to yourself. Focus on what you both need (reconciliation, understanding, or clarity), rather than what you want (to be right or to hurt the other person).

Love is not easily angered: Don’t let your anger take over in a fight. Be slow to get angry, walk away for a moment if you need to maintain your composure, and choose to respond in love. Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Anger only makes the conflict worse, so do not let it lead. Keep a clear mind, assume the best about the situation (because a misunderstanding or mistake is really more likely than malicious intent), and have tons of grace for each other.

Love keeps no record of wrongs: Make sure you end the fight. Have a moment for each of you to bring up anything else that is bothering you and talk about what you need from each other. Then forgive each other, make a plan moving forward, and leave that fight in the past. If you don’t end the fight, you’ll keep circling back to it. You must make sure there is a clear and final resolution.

This is truly one of those situations where it’s easier said (or written) than done, but it is so worth it. Fighting without progress is worthless. At first, it’s challenging to do this because everyone fights differently, but part of evaluating someone when you’re dating is seeing how they respond in a heated moment. 

Here are some questions to consider when choosing the man you will marry and fight with for the rest of your life 😉:

  • Does he yell and lash out in anger or can he control his temper and walk away for a moment if he needs to?
  • Can you point out something small without him turning it into a full-blown argument?
  • Does he start fights in public settings or does he wait until you’re in a more private setting to bring up an issue?
  • Does he consistently bring up the past as ammo for a new fight?
  • Does he apologize when he makes a mistake and own up to it?

Now, think about yourself and how you act in a fight. Consider all of those questions again while looking at yourself, because fights are a two-person tango and if one person fights in a loving, respectful manner but the other doesn’t, it won’t be a good fight. 

  • Do you yell and lash out in anger or can you control your temper and walk away for a moment if you need to?
  • Can he point out something small without you turning it into a full-blown argument?
  • Do you start fights in public settings or do you wait until you’re in a more private setting to bring up an issue?
  • Do you consistently bring up the past as ammo for a new fight?
  • Do you apologize when you make a mistake and own up to it?

You have to learn to fight well and choose to do it on a consistent basis. Honestly, I feel convicted by some of the answers to those questions and the way I slip back into selfish, prideful, anger-driven fighting. We won’t always be perfect in this, but it is so important to remember the purpose of fighting: greater understanding and reconciliation. You have no chance of fighting well if you don’t know how, so friend, you must learn. 

If you missed part one of the Dating with Marriage in Mind, you can read it here!

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