As we dive into how to stop living in shame, I want to start with a disclaimer that I am not a therapist or counselor so the things I am sharing are strictly things that I’ve learned from my experience and that have helped me. If you are struggling with shame, I absolutely encourage you to see a counselor or therapist.
A few weeks ago, we answered the question “Is God disappointed when I mess up?” if you’re feeling ashamed because of something you’ve done, I want to encourage you to check out that post next because I think it will help you to see more of God’s perspective of our mistakes.
If you clicked on this post, it’s probably because you’re feeling ashamed of something in your life. Chances are, whatever it is, only you know about it. You’re afraid that someone might find out. That your secret will get out into the world and ruin your reputation and your future. If you’re living in shame, it’s probably your biggest fear right now that it would be exposed.
You live in a constant state of anxiety, hoping all the evidence is hidden well enough. Isolating yourself as much as you can so that no one gets too close. Feeling unworthy because of that secret.
Can I tell you that you’re not alone? Whatever it is that is causing you shame, you’re not alone.
A few weeks ago, I spent the weekend leading a group of high school girls at a church conference. In a small group setting, a lot of them came forward and shared shame that they are struggling with over things they’ve done or secrets they knew and didn’t share.
It was so hard to watch those girls have all those feelings of shame because I remember what that was like. I remember how it felt to try to keep things a secret and make sure no one found out. At the same time, I was wishing I didn’t feel so alone or have all of that anxiety around my situation.
Over the weekend, what I saw happen was that as these girls shared their struggles and shame and they no longer felt alone in their situation. They now had a community that knew what they were going through. It was amazing to see how intentional God was in putting together those thirteen girls to encourage one another because they shared such similar stories.
If you’re struggling with shame right now, I want you to know you aren’t alone. You’re not less valuable because of what you’ve done. You have a purpose. You are not broken or dirty or worthless. You are loved and seen and known by God. You matter. You’re not done.
When we’re living in shame, I think we have this idea in our minds that we deserve to feel awful. We deserve to be alone and anxious. We’ve done something we shouldn’t have and now we have to pay the price or experience the consequences.
But God doesn’t put shame on us. Shame is not from God. We know this because it doesn’t do any good. Not one good thing comes from living in shame. It doesn’t bring us closer to God or to other people or lead others closer to God or to understand His grace. Shame is a tactic of the enemy to pull us away from God, away from other people, and away from our purpose.
We have to understand that it isn’t God who is putting shame on us. God doesn’t ever shame people in the Bible. He doesn’t look at their mistakes and tell them they deserve to suffer the consequences. Instead, He pours out mercy, grace, love, and compassion over sinners. Your shame is not from God.
The Bible doesn’t hide people’s mess-ups either. We know that Sarah encouraged her husband to sleep with another woman to have a baby, Rahab was a prostitute, David had sex with a woman who wasn’t his wife and then killed her husband, and we know the woman at the well was living with a man who wasn’t her husband. The Bible doesn’t keep these things hidden because we need to see that we are not the first messing up and that despite the mistakes we make, God can still use broken sinners.
Each of those people’s lives had greater meaning and purpose on the other side of their shame.
Sarah gave birth to Isaac, who is one of the patriarchs of the Israelites.
Rahab helps the Israelites and is recorded in Jesus’ lineage.
David is known as a great king, a man after God’s own heart, and Jesus is a descendant of the line of David.
The woman at the well brings an entire city to Jesus.
These people all lived out a greater purpose on the other side of their shame and were a part of God’s story.
The problem with living in shame is that it keeps us from the next part of our story. We can’t move into what God has for us while we’re still hiding and ashamed.
The first thing we can do to break out of the bondage of shame is the hardest, but it’s absolutely necessary.
First, we need to expose it.
We need to expose the thing we’re ashamed of and hiding from because it takes away shame’s power. If you’re living in shame right now, your biggest fear is probably being exposed, being found out, or having someone catch you.
So, when we bring that thing to light, there is no longer fear of exposure because it’s already out.
I’m not saying that you should tell everyone or post it on social media, but find someone you can trust and open up about what happened.
Be discerning about who you tell. Maybe it’s someone in your family and maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s not even a friend but a counselor or pastor or someone outside of your immediate circle. Find someone you can open up to and share what happened.
The Bible says in James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
When we expose our shame and confess our sins to someone trusted, we take away shame’s power. It no longer has power over you. So, that is where we have to start. By taking away the power of the shame and stop hiding.
Second, we need to believe Jesus.
There is so much scripture about Jesus’ forgiveness. We need to believe that there is forgiveness, redemption, healing, and grace in Jesus.
Hebrews 8:12 says, “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”
Psalm 103:11-12 says, “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”
1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
We need to start believing those verses. Believe that if we confess our sins, He’s going to forgive us, cleanse us, and be merciful towards us. We need to believe that there is forgiveness, redemption, healing, and grace in Jesus.
One of my favorite stories is found in John 8. It’s about a woman who is caught in the act of adultery and brought before Jesus in the temple by the religious leaders. She’s probably still naked in front of a room full of people as the religious leaders ask Jesus if they should stone her like the law says or if He has something different to say.
Jesus tells them that whoever is sinless should throw the first stone. He levels the playing field and reminds them all that they’re not innocent either. One by one they all leave.
Jesus asks the woman, “Does no one condemn you?”
I wonder if this is the first time she looks up. Naked in the temple and surrounded by people, I wonder if this is the first time she raises her head to see that all of her accusers are gone.
She tells Jesus that no one condemns her.
Jesus tells the woman that He does not condemn her either.
He doesn’t say that she’s dirty, unworthy of forgiveness, or needs to suffer the consequences. He doesn’t put shame on her.
Jesus doesn’t condemn you either. He doesn’t think you’re dirty or less valuable. He doesn’t tell you that you should’ve known better and that now you have to suffer the consequences. He doesn’t turn His back on you. He isn’t punishing you. He isn’t angry with you.
He is compassionate and forgiving and abounding in steadfast love.
Believe Him. Accept the forgiveness and grace and mercy that are poured out on you. He does not condemn you to shame.
Third, we need to go and sin no more.
Jesus’ last words toward that woman are, “Go and sin no more.”
What I love about this is that Jesus doesn’t ask her if she promises not to do it again before He tells her that He doesn’t condemn her. He doesn’t forgive her because she isn’t going to sin anymore, rather He encourages her to leave that life because she has been exposed, is forgiven, and can now go walk out her life in freedom.
The same is true for us. We can go and sin no more. Starting today, we can walk in freedom without fear or embarrassment or shame. We have no reason to turn back to the bondage and shame.
Friend, if you’re still doing that thing that you’re ashamed of – that addiction, that relationship that has gone too far, those pictures – go and sin no more. Whatever it is, don’t go back to it. Be done with it today.
Expose it to someone trusted. Believe that there is forgiveness in Jesus. Leave it in the past and walk in freedom today.
Looking for more? Check out the latest blog posts below!
- How to Read the Bible and Actually Understand It
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Five: Gratitude
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Four: Community Support
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Three: Service
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Two: Scripture
