I want to be sensitive with this topic, and at the same time, I don’t want to shy away from it just because it’s hard. I also want to start off by saying that I don’t have all the answers and that there is no way that I could possibly address every single person’s situation in a blog post. This is meant to be a starting point for a much bigger conversation, not an “everything you need to know” book. My prayer is that where my words fail, you will still see my heart behind this and that it leads you to lean into God and seek out answers to the questions you have that are left unanswered.
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure. Friend, this right here is a call to save for marriage what is meant for marriage. I think it’s important that you know exactly what this means right from the get-go, even if it seems harsh. If you’re having sex and you aren’t married, stop. If you aren’t having sex yet but you have no intent on waiting until marriage, wait. If you want to wait but feel tempted, keep waiting.
I remember how hard it was to balance what I knew – that we are called to wait to have sex until marriage – with what the world says – that it’s just sex and nobody actually waits until they’re married.
I want you to know that it is perfectly possible and absolutely worth it to wait until you are married to have sex. Do not buy the lie that nobody waits anymore. I know plenty of women and men who did just that. Maybe it’s not as common to wait as it used to be or maybe it’s just that people are less concerned with others finding out that they’re having sex, but regardless, that does not negate God’s word and His good plan for marriage and sex.
Now, being married and having experienced sex the way that God intended for it to be, I love that I waited. Even when I didn’t want to or when I questioned why I was waiting. It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t perfect, but I can look now and see the perfection in God’s design, and I hope to give you a better glimpse into that, too.
Looking back now, I did not know nearly enough about why waiting even mattered. I was really just a rule follower trying to follow the rules, but there truly is so much more to it than that. I fully believe that knowing the reasoning behind something is far more compelling than just being told what to do or what not to do. When I was younger, I really didn’t understand the reason we are instructed to wait until marriage for sex. Maybe you feel that same way – that it’s just a rule to be followed or broken.
With that mentality, I asked the question that a lot of you are probably asking too: “How far is too far?” No matter how many times I asked, I never felt like that question was answered. Is kissing okay? Making out? Anything else? I just wanted an answer, and honestly got to the point of believing that no one really had an answer. The challenge here is that there isn’t a clear line in the sand because the Bible does not explicitly talk about dating and, therefore, it does not say anything about how far is too far. But here’s what we need to realize about that question: it’s the wrong question.
The problem with asking “How far is too far?” is that you are trying to toe the line between sin and not sin. Trying to get as close as you can without *technically* sinning is a legalistic approach to God.
God cares so much more about our hearts and our motivation than legalistic rules and rituals. In Hosea 6:6, God says, “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” If you are waiting to have sex until marriage simply because God says to, that’s not enough. That takes away from the relationship with God and turns it into just following religion and rules. This approach will always leave you asking how you can do what you want without technically breaking the rule.
That is the difference between rules and relationship. Rules without relationship tempt us to push the boundaries and look for loopholes. A relationship without rules and boundaries is destructive and chaotic. Our view of the rules must be built on the foundation of a relationship with a good God who loves us and intended those rules to protect us from things we might not understand.
God created sex, so we have to trust that He put the rules in place so we would enjoy it to the fullest and be protected from potential harm. It’s like a swimming pool – super fun, but we understand that there must be rules in order to enjoy it without getting hurt. Rules like no running near the pool, no diving in the shallow end, no glass, the chemicals must be at the right levels.
When our view of the rules is through the lens of a loving, kind God who wants what is best for us, we can begin to look at following those rules as a way of showing our trust in God and our desire to honor our relationship with Him. The beauty in this is that we don’t have to fully understand why the rule is there (because friend, you might not until down the line when you’re married), to know that it’s in place for our good. So, instead of asking the question, “How far is too far?” instead ask, “Is what we are doing honoring my future marriage and his future marriage?”
The truth is, there is no guarantee that you will marry this guy. You might want to, hope to, intend to, and even plan to, but until that marriage is official, you are not married. Dating is not marriage. Engagement is not marriage. Living together is not marriage. If it isn’t marriage, there is no binding commitment yet; you could break up, break it off, or move out next week. It may sound harsh, but “We know we’re going to get married,” is an attempt to justify something you know you aren’t supposed to be doing right now.
My absolute hope for you is that someday, you won’t have to tell your husband the things you did before him because there won’t be anything to tell. There won’t be any old hurts, past regrets, or painful memories that you have to work through. You will simply enjoy your husband.
I had a friend share with me that her boyfriend told her, “I want to treat you in a way that if I don’t end up marrying you, your future husband would thank me.” What a sweet way of honoring marriage before it begins. It is simple, but like a lot of things, it is hard.
But, you get to choose your hard and while waiting to have sex is hard, and I would never dismiss it as otherwise, the hard that you would experience from having sex with this guy and the relationship ending would be harder. Sex isn’t just physical, it is absolutely emotional and spiritual, as well. That’s why the Bible talks about two becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24). God designed sex as a way to connect more intimately with your husband than with any other person in the world. It isn’t just meant to feel good, have fun, or relieve stress. It is also the most known and closest you can be with another person. That kind of access should be reserved for your husband, who is invested in doing life with you and has committed to forever. Having sex before marriage might be fun now, but would likely cause hardship in your future. So choose your hard. Wait.
If you’ve already had sex and you’re not married, friend, do not be ashamed. Shame is not from God and it does not do good. You might feel conviction about it, which is just God’s sweet way of pointing out that something in your life needs to change, so listen to that. But there is no sin that is ranked higher than another. Jesus is the ultimate forgiver of every single sin, no matter what it is, so lean into Him. If shame does try to sneak in, please go read my letter to the girl who feels ashamed. Finally, seek a friend or godly mentor. I wish I was sitting across from you saying these things over a cup of coffee, but I pray you have someone in your life who can do that with you.
God truly wants the best for you. When you see it and understand it, hold onto that. When you struggle to understand why certain boundaries are in place, pray that God would give you understanding to see how it is His best for your life. He is for you, and I am too.
I’m also all about the practical, so here are some practical ways to not have sex:
- Seek God and know that He has your ultimate best interest in mind – relationship over rules.
- In your relationship, agree on boundaries that don’t get crossed. Ever. Because as soon as you cross one, it’s harder to keep any others.
- Stay vertical. Laying down leads to temptation for more, so just don’t.
- Never go behind closed doors alone. This one is simple and there is never a reason it can’t be followed.
- Group date, especially for watching movies or hanging out!
- If you need to have 1:1 conversations, do it in public places like a park or restaurant. There’s plenty of privacy for a conversation without privacy for more 🙂
If you missed Part One, Part Two, or Part Three in this series, be sure to click through and read them all!
Looking for more? Check out the latest blog posts below!
- How to Read the Bible and Actually Understand It
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Five: Gratitude
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Four: Community Support
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Three: Service
- How to Practice Self-Care as a Christian | Part Two: Scripture
So well written. So many young ladies need to hear these powerful words.